Catnip Is One Hell of a Drug
by ForceCommanderJ
Summary: Not long after Team RWBY gets back together, Blake decides to relieve some stress before the journey to Atlas with some old-fashioned catnip. At least that was the idea before she got high...Right?


Author's Note: This is my first RWBY fanfic. And also happens to be my first comedy story. This was a weird little idea I had in mind and thought I'd see how it'd do here on . Constructive criticism is appreciated as well as comments.

RWBY belongs to Rooster Teeth.

Even when all hell brook loose a week ago, and the sight of the Haven Academy campus crowded with both insurgent and resistance sects of the White Fang ready to meet in battle, citizens of Mistral were still going back to living their daily lives. There was no sense in living in fear despite the threat of Salem hovering above the heads of any man, woman and child above Remnant. Last week was proof that war was coming home.

So, one of our favorite cat Faunus decided to take the edge off last night. Too bad it was a bad trip down crazy lane.

"Blake, are you alright?" Ruby asked. Waving her hand in front of her. Somehow, she saw two of her leader side-to-side. Yep. She was high as a kite.

"Yeah. I am fantastic." She said, drawing out the last word in her sentence. To which the red-caped girl squinted one eye in response only to notice a vial ajar on the floor. Ruby's expression changed from confused to vexed.

"Did you just take catnip?" And to that, the Faunus had a mock look of hurt on her face.

"Huh? Catnip? Me?! No... Maybe." There was a pause. And right when it was about to get uncomfortable for both parties, she started giggling deliriously. Tilting her head in a ridiculous manner. "I don't... Eh, hehehehehehehehe! Ruby, Ruby what if Zwei were a poodle? Poodles are like, smart. Right? And so is Zwei. Okay?"

The silver-eyed girl just stood in silence trying to comprehend what the hell her stoned teammate was saying but decided to play along for now while waiting for Weiss and Yang. "I mean, I guess that would be different. But they're still dogs. So Zwei would still be himself. Right?" Ruby grinned nervously.

Another pause. Blake looked like she was ready to support her argument, only to stifle a laugh and then go back to staring off into space. Ruby's face now scrunched up into annoyance and folded her arms waiting for an answer. With any luck, she would be able to solve this without her sister and partner having to find out.

Ruby went to check the vial and looked at it with a sneer. The catnip that Blake had ingested was expired. Now, normally an amount of this size wouldn't have much effect on our kitty Faunus. Team RWBY knew that Blake took catnip to relax. However, they also know that expired catnip has psychotropic effects which makes one absolutely stupid.

"Blake," Ruby said with much annoyance, "You know you're not supposed to use expired catnip."

"But, Ruby," Blake said hanging off her neck like a desperate lover, "It's only expired by a month or two."

"THAT'S REALLY BAD!" Ruby facepalmed in a pathetic attempt to collect herself and conjure up a solution to her current predicament. She had taken a breath before speaking to herself.

"Okay. Weiss and Yang shouldn't be back for another hour or so. I should be able to-Eeep!" But just as the moment couldn't get any more strange - because it wasn't enough that Blake was high - she had started acting more like a cat and buried her head in Ruby's breasts. All while purring.

"Blake!" She protested. Ignoring the fact that she was being nuzzled in the chest, turning beet red as a result.

"What? I'm just marking you."

"Now?! When you're like this?!" She argued under a whisper. Her flustered expression looking more mad than embarrassed.

"It's not like you're my territory Ruby. I mean, wait, I guess now you are...Hehehehe...I'm just being affectionate."

"Blake, I'm not into girls." She said as bluntly as possible.

"...Blake?"

When she was finally about to say another mondegreen followed by incoherent giggling, they were interrupted by the sound of knocks on the door.

"Hey, sis. We're back from- -"

"Just a minute!" Ruby sputtered.

Behind the door, Yang gave a confused look to Weiss and she called back. "Ruby?"

"Yeah, hey, what."

"Is everything alright?" Yang replied.

"No, yeah, great!" To which Blake rolled her eyes and leaned on Ruby's shoulder. Her weight barely supporting her height.

"May we come in?" Weiss inquired.

"Uhh, Uhhh, not right now I'm, ... I'm naked." Ruby said hastily.

"OK, should we come back later?" Yang replied. Somewhat hesitating.

"Yes, Yes, please come back later, because I am in fact naked." Ruby was embarrassed to have rushed out such a declaration, but at least it gave her time to get Blake into bed to sleep off the catnip.

"Alright Blake." Ruby said with a whisper, "Time to get you in bed." Pushing her teammate into bed.

"But Ruby, that's not fair, you haven't even bought me dinner yet." The crimsonette's face went tight from grunting attempting to keep her held up.

Meanwhile. Outside the dorm, Weiss and Yang listened without context. Whatever it was, the heiress and brawler weren't having luck just standing outside trying to figure it out.

"Is Blake in there with you?" Weiss asked, feeling like she and Yang weren't being told something.

"No! No, that was me, talking to myself." Ruby said hastily, trying to come up with new reasons to keep her other teammates out of her room.

"That sounded a lot like Blake." Yang said very straight forwardly.

"Tha-That was me, it's just something I do." Ruby said, getting more flustered by the minute.

"Is that Weiss and Yang?" Blake said without reserve.

"SHUSH!"

"That was definitely Blake." Weiss replied with a statement of fact.

"I thought you were naked in there." Yang said. Her tone getting annoyed. "What's going on?"

"Nothing I tell you. Nothing!" Ruby said now just lying to get her teammates to go away.

"Yang." Blake called out with no sense of space, "Ruby's being mean to me, she wants to get in bed with her, but she won't buy me dinner."

Weiss felt her jaw being a little heavier at that sentence. Meanwhile Yang's expression was getting increasingly furious.

"Ruby, open this door or I'm breaking it down."

"NO! NO! Please don't do that! I swear everything is fine." She begged. "Please Blake, you have to get into bed right now or I'm dead."

"Yang! Ruby's still being mean to me. Save me." The Faunus called out.

Ruby screamed in such shock and awe to herself that she couldn't make the sound come out of her mouth.

"Ruby Rose, I will break this door down if you don't open it, right now!" Yang barked. All the meanwhile, Weiss continued to keep seeing how low her jaw could drop in perpetual horror.

"I am telling you everything is alright."

"No I'm not. One or both of you need to save me from the evil cookie titty."

"The what?!" Weiss blurted.

"You're killing me Blake!"

"That's it. I'm breaking the door down." Yang said after audibly cracking her knuckles and winding up for the hit.

"NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!" To which Yang punched the door from its hinges to come into a very strange sight. Her younger sister looking over at their kitty teammate staring up in the sky, waving her arms at seemingly nothing.

"Hmph. I guess you're not naked." Weiss said. Trying to sound earnest at the weirdness of it all.

"What the hell is going on here? And why is Blake waving at nothing?" Yang asked.

Ruby was understandably too shocked to speak before Sun had come down the hall to see what was going on.

"Hey girls, what's all the shouting about?"

"IT'S NOTHING IMPORTANT!" The crimson-haired girl shouted before making a mad dash to the door followed by a small pile of rose petals. Slamming it back onto the hinges and hammered several nails to keep the door held to the wall. Just as Ruby was catching her breath against the door, Yang and Weiss looked at her with discontent as if to say, 'tell us what the hell is going on or we're going to kill you'. Their leader, having received that look before whenever she had acted weird, and or childish told her teammates what was going on with the expired catnip.

One awkward explanation later, Yang then asked to the group that wasn't ridiculously out of her mind because of some sort of leaf. "So, what do we do now?"

"Well I don't know about you two, but we need to keep this quiet and between the three of us." Weiss suggested.

"Yeah. That's what I was trying to do before you two barged in and broke down the door." Ruby said. Exasperated.

"Point being is that we need to get Blake into bed, so she can work off that catnip." Yang responded. Annoyed.

"Agreed." Weiss chimed in. "What I think we should do is-Wahhh!" Before she could finish her thought, Blake had snuck up behind the heiress and cupped both her breasts in her hands. Much to the dismay and shock of her other two teammates.

"Blake! Stop fondling Weiss!" Yang shouted.

"You don't understand. I need to mark her to make sure the evil cookie titty doesn't steal her to her evil titty lair and cookies."

And just as soon as it began, the sanity and stability of this most strange situation had ended.

"Hey Weiss." Blake said with her head firmly on her shoulder.

"Y-Yes Blake?" Weiss said, with her face as red as Crescent Rose.

"Can you give me some ice cream?"

"Blake. I don't have any ice cream." She replied.

"But Weiss, you're the ice cream." To which Blake licked her teammate's face, and then gave a long 'ppppuuurrrrrrrr' afterwards. Her face matched her hair like Christmas.

"Oh, God..." Ruby muttered.

"Alright that's it. Blake, let go of Weiss and get into bed now!" Yang demanded as she pointed to where her partner slept.

"Oh, you want me in bed." She said in a very suggestive voice as she let go of the ex-heiress.

"Blake." Yang warned. Eyes turning red. "Don't piss me off."

"But Yang, I like you best when you're angry." She said in her stupor. Eyes lowering in a sultry manner. "You are so sexy and cute, and that's when you get the feistiest."

"WHY YOU LITTLE!" Yang had become enraged and then tried to tackle her down to the ground. But Blake managed to fall out of the way, so Yang managed to bash her head into the nailed door.

"Ow." She replied less angrily before falling with an appropriate 'thud'.

Ruby and Weiss tried to hold her down to calm her, but Yang just got up like they weren't even on her. She was about to kick Blake's ass until she saw her standing on a small table and dancing like there was a crazy party going on in the background.

"Blake, get down from there." Yang asked in a more concerned tone. Eyes reverting to lilacs.

"Ohhhhh, you want me to get down?"

"Yes, please get down from there before you hurt yourself."

"OK, but you're gonna have to catch me."

"Wait what?!" And then she started counting.

"One."

"Wait, Blake."

"Two."

"Blake just step down..."

"Three!" The cat girl threw herself off the table.

"NOOOOOO!"

However, Yang managed to catch her and hold her like a bride. This totally couldn't get any weirder.

"Oh Yang, you saved me from the lair of the evil cookie titty! Mwah!"

Blake forced her and Yang's lips together in a kiss and then rammed her tongue down into her mouth. She then released her lips and mouth for a breath. Yang's face was as red as a strawberry, but she didn't have 5 seconds to realize what was going on before she started kissing every inch of her face.

"Alright this has gone on far enough." Weiss stated. "We have to get Ozpin."

"Wasn't our whole plan to keep people out of this?" Ruby said. Panicking.

"Look. Whether we like it or not, Ozpin has taught students longer then all of us have been alive, he has probably dealt with stuff like this before." Weiss rationed. "And not to mention we are totally unprepared to deal with Blake when she's like this."

"Alright fine, let's you and I go get Ozpin, or Oscar, or... Whatever! Let's just go." Ruby exclaimed. "Yang, don't worry, we'll be right back."

"OK!" Yang replied. Her voice cracking. As Ruby and Weiss ran to get Ozpin without arousing suspicion.

Ruby knocked on Oscar's door about a hundred times a minute until he came out. Then Ruby shouted at about 20 words a second. "Hey Oscar, you need to go to the back of your head, we really need to talk Ozpin we have to get rid of the vial and put Blake into her cat nest, so no one puts her in a kennel!" she yelled.

"...Hello Ruby?" Oscar replied. Confused.

Ruby then tackled him on his bed and shouted in his face, "OSCAR YOU NEED TO GO INTO YOUR HEAD AND LET OZPIN TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR BODY SO WE CAN SAVE BLAKE FROM BEING PUT IN A BOX OF KITTENS AND LEFT OUT IN THE RAIN AND WASHED DOWN THE SEWER BECAUSE THE OWNER FORGOT HOW CUTE THEY ARE!" She yelled again. Panting.

"P-Please get off me." He replied again, timidly. To which Weiss pulled Ruby off him and told explained to Oscar what was going on.

"Oscar, I'm really sorry but we need Ozpin now."

"Why?"

"Blake is high off of expired catnip and we need his help to get her under control."

"Ummmm..."

"I know this is weird, but please we really need the Professor. Because we don't know what to do." Weiss begged.

"Alright I'll help." He responded. A bit off-put from Ruby's inadvertent sexual assault.

"Great!" Ruby said. "Oh. But before you let Ozpin take control, don't tell anyone, okay?"

Oscar nodded. "The secret will go to my grave." He snarked.

Ozpin took over the farmboy's body and asked the distraught girls, "Now what's this about Blake being left outside in a box in the rain?"

"See for yourself." Weiss answered.

Ruby, Oscar and Weiss went down to the former's room and knocked on the door.

"Hey Yang, we got Ozpin." Said Ruby.

"Come in." Yang said. Voice cracking.

The two girls and the old teacher walked in to see Yang sitting in a chair rocking back and forth like a small child. And Blake sitting on the floor, arms and legs crossed with a very annoyed look on her face.

"Yang?" Ruby asked. "What happened to you?"

"I can't say." The blonde slowly replied.

"Blake why are you upset?" Ozpin inquired as she walked up to the girl.

" They're all mean. They want me to get into bed without buying me dinner." Blake replied. Pouting.

"Oh." Oz responded. "Go on."

"But then Yang saved me from the evil cookie titty, so I offered to skip dinner and get into bed with her, but then she said no because she's a tease!" To which Yang flinched, stop rocking and curled into an even tighter ball.

"I was really hoping she wouldn't bring that up again." Ruby said. Facepalming to hide her embarrassment.

Ozpin frowned.

"I'm sorry to hear that." He said.

"Professor Ozpin, will you buy me dinner?" She asked. Donning the dreaded begging eyes.

Ozpin nodded. "I will, but you will need to do something first."

Blake's face lit up with excitement and gave a most joyous "Yay!"

"Ah-ah. But you have to do something for me first." He recited.

"Oh. And what do I have to do?" She asked.

"I'm not going to tell you." Oz said. Putting a finger up to her mouth. "You have to figure it out in a game."

" Okay!" Blake said. Shooting up and rolling around trying to figure out what Ozpin meant.

"Don't worry girls." The professor whispered. "I know exactly what to do."

"What?" They asked. Only to see Blake pop up in front of Ozpin and shouted out so gleefully, "Hey everybody, who wants to play pin the tail on the meeee?!"

Ozpin had slowly raised his cane while Blake said this and began to swing his old weapon…

 _WHACK!_

"Guhuhuhuguhuguguguhug…Herk, ble-ag!" The Faunus sputtered. Her tongue out as she landed face first into her bed. Slipping into unconsciousness.

Ruby shrieked.

Weiss' jaw dropped.

Yang gasped.

"WHY DID YOU DO THAT!" Ruby shouted.

"Girls. I have been dealing with situations like this for many years. And trust me, this is the best way to handle this."

" Is she going to be ok?" Weiss asked.

"Yes." Ozpin said. Nodding. "She'll wake with a bad headache, but that's the worst of it. Good night girls." He said. Turning and closing the door.

"Well at least she's finally asleep." Ruby said. Breaking the short silence that followed.

Not one of Team RWBY's finest moments.

"So, uh, can I sleep with you two tonight?"

"Sure, sis." Yang said, uncurling from the fetal position. "Let's just try to pretend this didn't happen for now." She suggested with a shudder.

"Agreed." The ex-heiress said. Cringing.

All three walked out to leave their knocked-out team mate to sleep through the rest of the night…

In the morning, the only thing Blake woke up to was a bad hangover and a quick pick-me-up left behind by her parents. While she had taken catnip, it was usually for a special occasion. Last night on the other hand? Nope. Because of the recent stress from assembling the Menagerie rebellion, Blake might have underestimated the power of last night's hit. As well as remembering how bad her hangovers were in the morning.

 _And this_ _is_ _why I shouldn't take nip alone._ She thought.

Walking to the entrance of the hotel our heroes were staying at during their time in Mistral and stepping through the revolving door only to be greeted by the sun's obnoxious rays. Blake winced, shielding her eyes and being thankful for having been wearing a pair of sports sunglasses on her way out to the Haven campus.

She took a sip of coffee from the cup she poured for herself on the way out and felt her head pounding further, but her stomach less riled up. Walking down the street and feeling the blood flowing, Blake checked her scroll to see any news updates on the incident from last week. Nothing new. Your standard alternative media conspiracy theorists shouting and assuming about what exactly happened.

 _OK, no. I'm not willing to hear this today._

"Hey, Blake!" A young man called out. Recognizing the monkey tail and abs that could be seen from a mile away, she saw Sun Wukong briskly walk up to her after he had stood outside for a break from business.

Blake's head was still ringing, but she was glad to see a friendly face.

"Hey, Sun." She said quietly.

Sun looked to see his crush in this sorry state and winced.

"Man. Bet you're still feeling like you got hit by a truck." He said.

"Yep. Expired catnip will do that to a you." She said. Glowering behind her shades.

"Where'd you even get that?" He asked. Looking worried as they walked to the campus.

Blake paused.

"Well, on the boat from Menagerie, there was a vial I found that was unopened. I kinda snuck it with me when we got here...Look how well that turned out." She explained. Eyes rolling.

Sun's eyes shrinked into pinpricks.

"You didn't see the expiration date?" He questioned.

"Ugh! Yes...Sun, there wasn't any cheap nip in the market district. I know we gotta make our next move to Atlas. And I wasn't gonna risk buying some on the black market."

"Okay! Okay." He replied.

Blake frowned.

"Hey. Sorry." She said. Taking another swig of coffee. "Just a bit cranky from this damn hangover."

"Yeah. I noticed. It's cool, Blake."

The cat and monkey walked further down the campus and resumed conversation.

"You take it sometimes?" Sun asked.

Blake shook her head.

"Ulgh. Hardly. If it's still potent and not, you know, expired, it can be a satisfying trip. It's just meant to stimulate cat Faunus pheromones and is safe. Unlike regular catnip, the hangover can hurt like hell." Blake said as she shook her head.

"That's funny." He said with a smirk. "Because with monkeys, we just pick bugs out of our relatives' hair."

Blake chuckled.

"Yeah. And cat Faunus also groom themselves when nervous." She joked. "And we all learn to play with yarn when we're little."

Sun tilted his head slightly.

"Uh, was that sarcasm?"

Blake rolled her eyes. Albeit less brooding.

"Yes, Sun. That was sarcasm."

The monkey Faunus smirked.

"Okay, great. Just making sure you're still you after our pep talk in Menagerie and not uh, not all, you know. Blake-y."

"So we are doing nickname call backs from Beacon then." She said.

"Sorry?" He replied.

"Oh. After me and the girls had our reunion, Jaune was telling me about how he lost the map on their journey here. He didn't hear the end of it when they were having dinner together."

"Yeah, that sounds like Team RWBY. I'm guessing Ruby was reminded of 'Crater Face'?" Sun asked.

"No, but Weiss told me about being called Ice Queen again." She said. "Honestly thought Snow Angel was catchier though."

Blake and Sun laughed. Soon they headed to the Haven Campus where a crime scene had been set up at the entrance to the Academy.

"Well, duty calls." She said. "Gotta go rally the troops, Sun?"

The Monkey nodded.

"Something like that. Your dad and I agreed on something else and said how I can be a good motivator. You know, like how after you saved me from Ilia."

"Oh really?" The cat girl responded. A curious eyebrow raised with a genuine smile. "Hey, if it's any convenience you could motivate mom into giving some of the men in the resistance a night out on the town. Maybe a little bit of going down on them?"

Sun gulped. If it weren't for Blake's shades, he could have seen her give a suggestive wink.

"What?!" He sputtered. "Blake you don't mean that...?"

The cat girl shook her head.

"Look Sun. You might not have noticed at first, but my mother has a bit of a reputation back home for- -"

"And that's all I need to hear. Does your dad know about this?"

"She was doing that before she and dad even met. So is that a yes or a no on a morale- -"

"Uh. Sure, Blake! She'll probably listen. Catch you later." He said. Walking off and nervously wincing at the mention of Kali taking and instant liking to him. Maybe a bit too much.

Blake smiled and quickly donned a more serious expression. Turning to the cop to ask to head inside.

"I'm on Huntsman business." She said. "I need to meet with my Team in the briefing room."

The cop looked at her and pulled out his Scroll.

"You were with the Menagerie resistance?" He inquired.

"That's right. I have a Team and need to head to a meeting with them."

The cop held his Scroll to confirm Blake's ID and set it back in his pocket.

"Ok. Head on in. I'll radio ahead."

"Thanks." Blake said with a nod as she stepped in.

"Ah. Good morning, Blake!" Ruby said as bright as usual but more quietly for the sake of her teammate's throbbing head.

"Morning." She said more coherently than she spoke last night. as she rubbed her temples.

"You sleep well?"

"More or less." She said. "I didn't uh, do anything suggestive last night...Right?" Blake cringed.

"Uh, well, you did get a bit touchy-feely." Ruby said turning her head to hide her blush.

Blake winced.

"Oh, boy. Ruby I am so sorry about that! I wasn't thinking straight! Ow." She said. Holding her temple.

"It's fine, Blake. Just warn us next time when you're about to get high on that stuff."

The Faunus nodded in agreement.

"Did I miss anything yet?"

The team leader shook her head.

"Nope. Ozpin and Qrow will be back any minute. So, you're early."

In walked Weiss and Yang with Jaune, Nora and Ren in tow.

"Do you remember anything from last night?" The ex-heiress asked.

"Barely." She replied. "I didn't mean to scare you guys last night.

"You didn't scare us. We were just trying to make sure you slept it off, so you'd be ready for today's meeting." Said Weiss.

Blake was about to say something only to see Yang leaning against a nearby pillar to listen in.

"I'm probably not gonna live this down for a while, am I?" She said.

"Weren't you the one who owed me dinner after the Dance at Beacon?" The brawler asked with a smirk.

Blake chuckled at that.

The doors slid open and out came Qrow and Oscar. As the farm boy swapped his consciousness to Ozpin, the headmaster greeted Blake.

"Ah, good morning Miss Belladonna. Did you sleep well?"

"Apart from the bump in the back of my head, yes." She said rubbing the back of her scalp.

Oz awkwardly nodded and bought up a holographic map of Remnant. Zooming in on Atlas.

"Now then students, shall we discuss the next step?"

And that's a wrap! I hope you've enjoyed reading this goofy little fic and would love to hear your feedback. -CrazySteve800


End file.
